So you want to go tubing, eh? Well, brace yourself because I’ve seen more grace in a chicken on a unicycle than some of you floundering incompetents pretending to navigate a lazy river. But fear not, I’m here to humiliate—I mean HELP—you enjoy that river tubing experience with your friends without embarrassing yourself more than you already do in life.

Pick the Right River, Genius

First off, do some brain work and pick a river that suits your skill level, which for many of you is "beginner"—shocker! Look for slow-flowing rivers if you want a relaxing time; those looking for a thrill (and an ER visit) might consider rivers with more rapids, but let’s be honest, you’ll probably end up crying like a baby.

Gather Your Loser Friends

Let’s face it, you’re probably not doing this alone because you’re a social creature, or you’re simply terrified of solitude. Make sure your entourage consists of people you can tolerate for a few hours. If they insist on bringing that one friend you secretly despise, fine, but just know they may be the one tube you "accidentally" let drift away a bit.

Gear Up, You Little Fashionista

Let’s be honest—most of you couldn’t pack for a weekend without leaving your brain behind. Here’s what you actually need: a durable tube (think rubber, not paper mache), a life jacket (trust me, you’re not Michael Phelps), and a trash bag for easy cleanup unless you want to be an environmental disaster! And don’t forget a hat; sunstroke is so unbecoming.

Stay Sober, or Pretend You’re a Dolphin

I get it, who doesn’t enjoy a drink while floating? But please, try not to turn into that one obnoxious drunken uncle at a wedding. Drink in moderation, or designate a "sober buddy" to ensure no one floats off to another country while you’re all busy being tipsy.

Keep it Clean—I Mean, YOU Stay Clean

I know some of you are human disaster zones when it comes to cleanliness, but if you only pick one day to keep Mother Nature tidy, make it this one. Pack out what you pack in, which shouldn’t be hard for those tiny brains to remember.

Conclusion: Don’t be a River Loser

At the end of the day, whether you’re hopeless or just trying too hard, tubing down a river can be a great experience. Follow these somewhat insulting yet meaningful guidelines, and you’ll at least appear to have the water competence of a sea cucumber. Happy tubing!